Everything looks different here. People are strange. They look at you without seeing you, they drive in big cars and talk in a language that I cannot understand. The sun looks closer, although it doesn’t warm me up…
I’ve been in this place for over two years now and I still feel like an outsider. I miss my country… I miss the life I once had… I miss me…
I don’t know who I am anymore, I don’t know this big white house that I’m suppose to call Home, I don’t know this man that lies in bed with me every night. All I know is emptiness and sadness, those are the only words I’ve manage to say in this strange language.
Anura is never here. I barely see him. It doesn’t bother me at all. It is a blessing, I must say! We’ve got married, just like my mother wanted to, just like it was supposed to be. No one has ever asked me if I wanted to, I have never told anyone how I was feeling.
What was I supposed to say? That I was in love with Vijay?
Girls like me aren’t supposed to fall in love, especially for a cook! Girls like me are educated to obey, to be good housewifes and mothers. I felt trapped, angry, desperate…
A couple of days before the big marriage, I went to the beach to talk with Vijay. Before I could figured out what I was going to say to him, I was informed that he had quit his job and no one knew where he was. My heart died that moment and I couldn’t help of wonder that it was a sign that I should forget him, get married and make everybody happy!
The day after the ceremony, we moved to Australia. Anura had some business to take care of and I barely had the time to say goodbye to my family and friends. Since that day I haven’t talked or saw my mother. All I know is that Anura send her a cheque every month… It is probably to pay the rental of her daughter!! That’s what I have become, that’s who I’m suppose to be… A body with no name that can appears in social events and parties, next to a stranger that some paper calls my husband!
It doesn’t matter… Nothing of that matters… There’s only one thing that makes me go on, that kept me alive all this time…
The day I’ve find out I was pregnant, was the worse day of my life. The day the doctor said I was already 5 months pregnant, was the scariest and happiest day of my life. It seemed that after all, I had brought something from my past life… Not only memories of Vijay, but also, a part of him!
Anura doesn’t know. How could he? In his head I’m just a stupid girl that married virgin… All I had to say was that the baby was born a premature. He’s always too busy to care anyway… I don’t know if he had seen the baby’s face more then a dozen times!
Victoria is 16 months now, she has my eyes but everything else is a copy of Vijay’s figure. She is my secret, my life, my memories, my country, my love… She is all that matters…
I’m waiting for her to grow… I’m waiting that Anura gets bored and ask for the divorce… I’m waiting patiently, so I can start a new life… so I can get back to Sri Lanka and continue the life I’ve always wanted to live… I’m just waiting now…